Maya Angelou famously said that you may forget what someone said to you, but will always remember how their words made you feel.
I don’t recall my co-worker’s exact words, but I remember how embarrassed I felt; how my stomach turned, after my colleague answered.
I had asked her about a work process I wasn’t yet fluent in. Something I couldn’t decipher on my own. Younger in years but far more seasoned in our industry than I was, she made a cutting remark leaving no room for doubt about how she felt about my lack of knowledge. I felt beyond stupid.
In our open space concept office my humiliation was evident in the facial expression of colleagues whose desks were an earshot from mine.
Someone closer to my desk spoke softly part of the information I’d asked about. Visibly uneasy, I think he felt sorry for me. Grateful, I grasped what I could and tried to move on with the rest of my day till the clock marked 5 pm. I got home exhausted from holding back all the emotions.
Hot tears rolled down my face as I talked with my best friend later that night: ”Doesn’t she know I have the power with my words, to make her feel so small? That I can really wound her? Did she need to be so cruel?”. My best friend sighed in empathy..
THE THINGS JESUS COULD HAVE SAID (AND DIDN’T)
This was one of many phone calls during a hard season of adaptation to a new job, in a new industry, in my new life in a new country I was still learning to call home. It was my first (and much needed) job after immigrating. Nothing felt grounded. The last thing I needed to add to the moving pieces of my life, was a colleague humiliating me in front of team members whose names I was still learning.
Despite what I cried to my best friend the truth is I felt powerless. Muted by the embarrassment of not knowing basic answers and the fear of not quite yet fitting in a high performance team, I felt like I was fair game for someone to belittle with polite enough blade-sharp remarks.
Only recently have I been able to see differently that painful memory through the lens of Scripture.
Sometimes we don’t turn the other cheek, we simply turn our face to hide the tears.
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